Sunday, June 14, 2009

Be Happy No Matter What!

(Inspired by Carrie Bradshaw Inspiration by Deva. Picture: Ms.Cheerful's Smile by Duygu. And you may click their names and check out their pages : ) )

Being in a relationship is one thing, and being happy or not is another.

Huddling alone in her couch, Candice has successfully consumed 30 or 40 chocolate bars within two hours and she does not even know it. She is thinking, and she is so taken away by her own thoughts. We have had a great laugh about her recent date ("It sucks." she said) and she just me her plan of starting her own business next year. I guess these things are still on her mind.

Candice is my friend, 20 something, sales representative of her company, good-looking, nice, smart, and ambitious. Candie is what I call her.

And she is still SINGLE. She chose to be single because she prefers to enjoy her life and freedom as a single lady and she wants to live a life with absolutely no strings attached. Lacks sense of obligation? You may say so. But I cannot see people who are not single have it more.

Candie is a happy single, but for some other ladies who are single, they are not that happy.

Basically ladies who remain single... they are, sorry probably I should say WE are so, because we are still looking for, or waiting for, the right guy, or a more harsher response I have heard, "Why bother?! Why should I need a boyfriend?!"

Cool is getting to Cold.

I have asked myself hundreds of thousands of times WHY? Not WHY are we still single, but WHY do we still think "I have not found the right guy."- if there has to be a right guy to find.

I searched for answers from ourselves, instead of from the opposite sex. And I, on behalf of nobody but myself, from a "non-extreme" point of view, personally, think, that, perhaps WE THINK TOO MUCH AND GET LOST IN IT. I mean think about it. Like it or not, some of us get haunted by memories. Our ex-boyfriends are either too good or too bad to get over and that stops us from moving on and from living in the present... We can not help thinking about a thing called past. Or, some of us just know too well and are so obsessed with what we want and refuse to take any candidate which fails to match ALL our criteria. Thus makes our first steps overwhelmingly difficult to take. And, some of us keep making compromises and giving ourselves away because we persistently think that we are not good enough for our boyfriends.

If we have things like these on our mind, I think we will never find a right guy.

Admittedly thinking is a good way for us to know ourselves, to plan for our lives, to work on our long-cherished dreams, and hopefully to make us better people. I know for some people it is so uneasy to effect self-control on their "thinking", what they think, when they think, how often they think about it, and so on. But there is one thing that we may decide. It is to think positively, or negatively.

To me, thinking too much is thinking negatively. Obviously it is hard to say "how much" is "too much", but you can feel it when it is always on your mind.

Thinking negatively can definitely torture someone. You will be taken away, back to the darkest memories and go through them over and over again and hurt yourself repeatedly on the same bleeding wounds which will never heal if you keep going like this. You will convince yourself that there will be no solution to your problems and you will never move forward. Stay at where you are, or even back step to where you were, reviewing your nightmares, and cry your heart out. Or you keep thinking that you are not good enough and just cannot help trying everything to please him and to keep your relationship... It is an experience nobody wants, isn't it? You just go there unwarily.

Cut it off! Now!

I once heard a lecture of a psychologist, a lady in her 40s who has been married for near 20 years to her perfect half. Talking about the "unforgettable past", she said, "I know you have a past- we all have- a past which can be too brilliant to forget or too painful to recall. But, next time when you get stuck there, when you fail to get it out of your mind, when you are tossed and turned, and when you feel 'haunted' by it, talk to yourself, and tell yourself 'I know you will always be there, and perhaps I will think of you every now and then, but I am sure that as time goes by, I will be totally over you. And each time I think of you, I will take a deep breath and smile, because all the lessons I have learned from you, will help me for a better life.' "

I tried, and it worked perfectly well for me. Accept your past, and let it go.

What I am really saying is:

We use our heads for a happy life, don't we?! But thinking too much and going to extremes will lead you to the opposite direction. We are not supposed to be tortured by our own thoughts and nobody should be tortured so. We do not mean to hurt ourselves or anybody else in order to be happy. So, relax, start fresh and be happy with who you are. You are you, not anybody else. You do not have to please someone for love. Or, in other words, you two will never work out if you try so hard and desperate to please the other and finally loose yourself or become the unhappy one that you do not recognize. Be yourself, and shine with your gleam. Those who cannot see it do not deserve you. It is perfectly okay if you have some benchmarks for your candidates to meet, who doesn't? Some people say out loud what they want and some just keep the blurry image in their mind and look for a perfect match to make it clear.

Lay back, give yourself time and space to breathe and to grow, and similarly allow room for improvement for the one you love.

It is fine that you have an incurable thinking addiction, that you are reasonable in the first minute and unreasonable in the next, that you have a past that you do not want to look at or you do not even give a hoot now, that you are such a chocolate consumer and you are still single!

We choose our way of life, and we choose to be happy no matter what.

And about my friend Candie, she thinks much about her life, she has a past, and she does not bother turning herself into someone that she does not even know and dive in a relationship, and most importantly, she is happy the way she is.

I am no psychologist, I am not going to the extremes and I still want a "normal", or "common" life as most ordinary people do... Falling in love, getting married, having children, having a job that I CAN do, and I WILL do, and so on and so forth...

Everyone wants a happy relationship, but if we do not have one for the moment, just BE HAPPY!

Best of love,

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